Tuesday, January 28, 2014


I thought I would try a new regular feature for fans of old school wrestling. I will highlight one of my favorite wrestling tag teams, even if they absolutely sucked, every Tuesday. I hope some of you will appreciate this refreshing look at some old, sweaty dudes.

For the inaugural Tuesday, I decided to go with one of my favorite Down South tag teams, The Ferocious Moondogs!


The Moondogs were (they may still exist in some form, but they are not MY Moondogs and can go to hell) a hardcore wrestling team that wrestled in the WWF, the Continental Wrestling Association (CWA), and the United States Wrestling Association (USWA).

The Moondog look consisted of unkempt, washed out, blonde hair and beard, bare chests, and faded, ripped blue jean shorts. Oh, and the bone, I must not neglect the bone. It was common for the Moondogs to carry huge leg bones to the ring where they would often use them in the ring as weapons.

The Moondog wrestling style was pure rough and tumble, take what you can get, brawling. What these guys lacked in technique they definitely made up for in ring presence and psychology.


Moondog Rex, Capt. Lou, and Moondog King
The Moondog tag team was inspired by Lonnie "Moondog" Mayne. His gimmick was a wild, insane heel. He would bark and howl during matches and eat glass during interviews. He appeared in many territories in the early 70s, including the WWWF.

Mayne was never officially part of the  Moondog stable, but he was very popular in the various territories. Vince McMahon Sr. wanted to create a group of Valiant Brothers.

Instead, Randy Colley, suggested to Vince that people were mistaking him for Lonnie Mayne and thought he was Moondog. For a while he capitalized on the look and called himself Moondog Hawkins. After a while, Vince Sr. put Colley and a wrestler named Sailor White (Ed White) together as a pair of Moondogs. Colley became Rex and White was King. Captain Lou Albano was teamed with them as their mouthpiece and the legacy began.

Ed White, originally from Canada, went home and then had trouble coming back into the states.
Moondog Spot

King was replaced with perhaps the most iconic of the Moondog stable... Moondog Spot.

Spot was an odd character. He was both fluffy and dangerous at the same time. His wispy hair and scraggly beard made him something like a crazed uncle Santa.... but then you looked at his crazy eyes. The fact that Moondog Spot choose to never speak in public only added to his mystique.

Rex and Spot were a better fit than Rex and King and the new Moondogs were even more hardcore than before. The group went t hrough several members ov er the years, but Spot would always remain the heart of the Moondogs.

He wrestled in Memphis at the Mid-South Coliseum for over 25 years. O n 2003 Spot gave his all for the fans. He died during a huge con cession brawl at J err y Lawler 's 54th Birthday Bash. Spot was only 51 years old.

I first became aware of the Moondogs at a very young age. It was a time of wonder where I thought wrestling was real. In retrospect, it's possible that the Moondogs also thought wrestling was real.

I loved the Moondogs and The Road Warriors, but I was never frightened of the Road Warriors. They were big guys with a cool movie gimmick. The Moondogs, on the other hand, were big burly guys that loved nothing more than to make their opponents bleed.

I would have loved to meet the Moondogs back in the day but it was one of those moments where I probably would have wet myself and cried a little bit.

This happened to me once when I met Spider-Man at the Kay-Bee toy store.















Saturday, January 25, 2014


Today's Sucky Cinema Saturday movie is Laughter.


This fecal-storm was written and directed by Adam Dunning. Mr. Dunning also has the gall to name his "production company" A.M.D. Productions, which is short for Adam Michael Dunning Productions. It just seems like this guy can't get his name on screen enough. I've seen this many times. On a low budget, especially a super low budget (I think Laughter cost around $3,000), it is typical for the film's director to be the "creator" and do essentially every task to get the movie finished and on the screen. However, there is a point when you just stop listing your name... we get it.

In addition to writer and director, Mr. Dunning has also listed himself as: producer, cinematographer, film editor, casting, make-up artist, sound editor/mixer, camera operator, and sound effects. Good job, Mr. Dunning.

I will list a few of the major cast members: Rocky Petroziello as Joey, Shauna Fahad as Fay, Kris Marconi as Chris, Rebecca Henning as Terri, Sam Rovin as Brian, Erin Rovin as Kate, and Tim Merli as Mike. I would list more, but honestly, even after watching this movie twice, I have no idea who is who.

I understand the low budget "cast your friends" method of film-making. I am as guilty as anyone, however, I think it was definitely a bad casting choice to have all of the women look alike. Of course, it wasn't necessarily brilliant to have most of the men look like Shaggy rejects from the Scooby Doo movie.

Ok. One Shaggy reject and one ex-leader singer of REO Speedwagon.

According to their website Laughter has won the following awards:

WINNER - Best Actor -Kris Marconi at the Scarlet Waters 5 Showcase
WINNER - Best Director at the San Antonio Horrific Film Festival 2012

I can only assume that the Scarlet Waters 5 Showcase is the theater where Kris Marconi works as a ticket taker. Otherwise, I'm not sure why anyone or anything from this movie would even be nominated for any award that wasn't some sort of prize for being bad.

With regards to Adam Dunning winning best director at the San Antonio Horrific Film Festival... Even if all the other nominees no showed... How in the hell did Mr. Dunning even get a nomination?

Seriously, the direction of Laughter couldn't be more haphazard if you brought in a different 5 year old every day and had him direct the movie without actually telling the kid was he was doing. This award reflect poorly on the SA Horrific Film Fest.


If it pleases the court, I would like to present the description from the movie's website as exhibit A.


Laughter follows a young teen Joey. Joey is a confused and tortured teen! When losing his mother, who he was very close with; it drives him to the edge. His father blames him for his mother's death. A group of bullies from school torture him because of his obsession with clowns. As graduation approaches, Joey and some friends plan a prank on a group of classmates during their last get together. The prank goes wrong leading to tragic accident! The group takes an oath of silence and agrees not to say anything! Six months down the road, the group begins getting hunted down one by one. Evil begins with a laugh.

Let's break this description down.

Laughter follows a young teen Joey.
okay.
Joey is a confused and tortured teen!
He is!? This isn't set up very well! Although, considering his friends and enemies treat him the same I guess he probably is confused. As far as tortured... really? Please watch the first 15 minutes of The Toxic Avenger to see how to torture someone.
When losing his mother, who he was very close with; it drives him to the edge.
Again, what? Drives him to the edge? This is not part of the movie I watched.

His father blames him for his mother's death.
Okay. So? This has nothing to do with what happens in the movie.
A group of bullies from school torture him because of his obsession with clowns.
Not really. Mush mouth Joey creates the situation as much as Mike the Jock.
As graduation approaches, Joey and some friends plan a prank on a group of classmates during their last get together. The prank goes wrong leading to tragic accident!
!!!

The group takes an oath of silence and agrees not to say anything!
Aren't his two best friends and girlfriend at this party? Yes they are. Good job, Mr. Dunning.

Six months down the road, the group begins getting hunted down one by one.
Sigh . Most of these scenes are so dark it's impossible to tell what's happening. Maybe they are hunted down. Maybe they are underwater. Hard to tell.

Evil begins with a laugh.

What? No really... or should I say, why? Why bother.

Who is to blame for this impossible to view frame? The editor, the director, or the cinematographer? Oh wait....

One of the perks of working with digital is being able to look back on your work immediately. This is useful in picking apart scenes when working with terrible actors. And trust me, Laughter features a gaggle of terrible actors. While you can't fix everything... you should try to fix something.

Would I recommend this movie? I might suspend this part of Sucky Cinema Saturday. I would only recommend this movie as a lesson in what NOT to do with 3 thousand dollars. While I've hammered Laughter pretty hard, remember that I think it is better to make a movie and fail miserably than to not make a movie. Dunning might get better, who knows? He likes to make movie posters.






Friday, January 24, 2014

A few days ago I heard through officials lines (wwe.com) that Mae Young had passed away. There were rumors of her passing earlier this month but this time it seems like the toughest "girl" wrestler to ever live has finally agreed to do the work and take that last three count.



Like many, I was not aware of Mae Young until she appeared in the WWF as part of the Attitude Era.

On a September 9th, 1999 episode of SmackDown! Mae Young and The Fabulous Moolah appeared seated at ringside. The storyline had Jeff Jarrett as a man who was out to prove that men were better than women by abusing them. Nothing proves your superiority like smashing a guitar over a 70 year old woman's head. Which is exactly what happened.

Jarrett acknowledged the ladies, brought Moolah into the ring, and hit her with his guitar. When Mae came to Moolah's side, Jeff put her in a Figure Four Leglock. This started a impressive streak of elder abuse for the WWF.

If you were watching WWF wrestling at the time, then you saw the crazy bumps they asked Mae Young to take... and she agreed to take them! How crazy is it to think that a 70+ year old woman would be part of the fusion between the world of hardcore wrestling and mainstream wrestling?

Mae began wrestling in 1939 and her last match was in 2010. Mae has the honor of being the only wrestler to wrestle over the span of 9 decades. She was elected in the WWE Wrestling Hall of Fame in 2008.


Check out this YouTube clip. The quality is not the best but it is a good example of some of the ridiculous risks this woman took when she was in her late 70s.



I remember watching Mae take bumps that curdled my blood. The dual questions of HOW!!! and WHY!!! rang loudly in my head. When asked about the bumps Mae would always answer in a similar fashion: It was in her blood. She wanted to wrestle a match on her 100th birthday. She won't get that chance on Earth, but when the time comes, she'll lace up her boots and take on all comers in Wrestling Heaven.

Johnnie Mae Young. March 12, 1923 - January 14, 2014.










Tuesday, January 21, 2014


Today's post is in honor of the Creature Commando Trade Paperback being released on January 15th, 2014.

For those unfamiliar with DC's Creature Commando... I can believe it. I happen to be a big fan of Weird War Tales, Sgt. Rock, and all of DC's war comics, so I was able to purchase the first appearance of the Creature Commandos.

The Creature Commandos are a team of classic monster themed characters set during World War II. The original cast consisted of:

* Warren Griffith: The Werewolf
* J.A.K.E.: GI Robot
* Dr. Myrra Rhodes: Medusa
* Lt. Matthew Shrieve: Human
* Pvt. Elliot "Lucky" Taylor: Frankenstein's Monster
* Sgt. Vincent Velcro: Vampire


J.A.K.E actually joined the team after their first mission to Dinosaur Island, but for the purposes of this casting call.

The Creature Commandos were introduced in Weird War Tales #93 (November 1980). This is sad, because it makes me old. I remember begging my Grandmother for a few comic books at the Army Surplus Store. She was kind enough to purchase 5 dollars worth of 4 color gold!!! That Weird War Tales was one of the comics purchased. How could I not grab that issue?! It has most of the things I like... Nazis, Monsters, and WWII.

The Creature Commandos were created by writer, J.M DeMatteis (with whom I have a love/hate relationship), and artist, Pat Broderick (whom I respect based purely off his work on the Micronauts and The Fury of Firestorm).

Today's post, believe it or not, is not merely a rip off of wikipedia's entry on the Commandos. Nay, brave reader! Today I give to you... Casting Call: The Creature Commandos. I am going to pick anyone living, actor or not, to take the role of characters from this beloved (by me) group.

I am going to use the original team, because quite frankly, they are easier to work with than all the crap that has issued forth from DC in the past year, much less ten years.



Warren Griffith
Griffith is one of the characters where you wonder if you need to spend the money on a "name" talent.

I mean, the guy is going to be covered over with either CGI, or if I had my way, practical make-up applications.

Then again, I am casting for a fantasy film that has an endless supply of money, so I will cast as many A-list celebs and then bury them in sand if needed.

Warren Griffith would be played by...


Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I like JGL for this role because he obviously has a boyish charm. He also has the ability to shed that like a second skin and take on roles that are action oriented or serious.

I would like to think that Warren, when not wolfed out, is a bot boyish and mild. However, when the wolf comes on him - the blood lust comes out.

It's trite, sure, but I never said I was creative.

The G.I. Robot (J.A.K.E. 1)

Ah, doubling up on my CGI characters right at the beginning... Choices, choices...

Jake 1 is supposed to be a skinny, skeleton figure, but I think the fans would accept a man wearing a costume. A bit of bulk on the figure would not totally destroy the acceptance of disbelief.

Unfortunately, while Jake is a hero and has human emotions, he doesn't have a whole lot in the way of experience and thus his range of emotions and thoughts are limited.

Anyone taking on this role needs to be willing to accept a paycheck and just for showing up.

J.A.K.E. 1 would be played by...


Martin Starr.

Yeah, no one is ever going to see any of his skin, much less his face. I picked Starr because he is skinny and would fit well into GI Robot armor.

I also picked him because I really liked Freaks and Geeks and think Martin could probably use a paycheck.










Dr. Myrra Rhodes
Dr. Medusa's appearance was a it more severe on her first appearance, but as you can tell from the attached picture... someone decided to soften her looks and make it ironic that she is named after the Gorgon whose looks could kill.

While I would prefer to use practical, real effects as much as possible, I am afraid that going the route of stop motion like Clash of the Titans is not practical.

Dr. Medusa would be played by...



Jaime Pressly.


Jaime has everything going for her. She can play the sultry, hot vixen, she can play comedy, and she has the body to play action.

I would be willing to take the bet that she can play a genetically altered monster with savage intelligence.









Lt. Matthew Shrieve
Ain't nothing inhuman about Shrieve... unless you want to count his occasionally questionable actions.

Shrieve is the highest ranking member of the team and serves as the Voice of Authority. Shrieve does not allow morality or ethics to get in the way of his orders.

This actor would be the luckiest dude in the entire production. While everyone else is enduring 8 hour sessions in the make-up chair - this guy is out drinking gin and tonics and flirting with transsexual prostitutes.


Lt. Shrieve would be played by...






Jeremy Renner.

Renner's turn as an agent in Mission Impossible was awesome. While, I'm not too much a fan of him as Jason Bourne, he really has taken the next step as a action star.

I think he has matured into a fine actor completely capable of pulling off the occasional asshole side of Shrieve.









Pvt. Elliot "Lucky" Taylor
The actor playing Lucky needs to be a big man. He needs to be able to emote without speaking because Lucky's vocal cords were damage in the explosion that cause his other wounds.




Lucky Taylor would be played by...






Glenn "Kane" Jacobs.

I just can't stay away from wrestlers. Really, though, who better to play Lucky Taylor than a man who is stands anywhere between 6'6" and 7' tall and weighs in around 300lbs?

Jacobs is muscular, but not so cut and ripped that he looks unreal. Lucky is a big man, but he was not a power-lifter or fitness buff. He simply is a hoss of a man. So is Jacobs.

As far as the non-speaking role, well, that is a specialty of Jacobs. He played a mute wrestler, Kane, for years. What's more he was able to express a great deal of depth from behind a mask. Pretty impressive.






Sgt. Vincent Velcro
In 1978 the original patent for Velcro expired. This allowed for cheap knock offs from around the world. Thus, the 80s saw a boom in Velcro.

I'm stating this to inform the gentle reader that J.M. DeMatties was looking for a sinister, vampirish name. Velcro is reasonable enough. It's just too bad that the actual Velcro product was making it's way into the mainstream.

Velcro's character is interesting. Yes he must have blood to survive, but along with Dr. Madusa, he is very aware of his current, "freak" status. He strives to maintain his humanity and hates oppression.



Velcro would be played by....





Christian Bale.

Bale defitinly has the intensity, acting ability, and range to pull off Velcro, the emotional vampire.

Bale will also gain or lose muscle mass according to the role. Meaning he is willing to have the sleek, angular look of a feral creature of the night, but still maintain six-pack abs.

Saturday, January 18, 2014


Today's Sucky Cinema Saturday film is a touching 1973 cinematic ode to necrophilia... Love Me Deadly.


I am not so certain that today's movie sucks. It certainly suffers being a movie from the 70s. The squalling, over-the-top, Love Me Deadly theme song screams THIS IS THE 70s!

That is not enough to say that the movie sucks. I think that this little gem may fall under #1 and #4 on the Reasons to Watch Bad Movies Chart.

I must say that the DVD copy looks amazing. The re-master is really nice and crisp for a 70s movie few have heard about much less watched.


Love Me Deadly was directed by Jaques Lacrete and H.B. Halicki. I guess it took two directors to hold this masterpiece together. The story is by Roger Wall and Robert Cleere and the screenplay is credited to Jaques Lacrete and Buck Edwards.

It truly takes a village to make a soft core 70s flick about screwing dead people.

The movie stars Mary Charlotte Wilcox, Lyle Waggoner, and Christopher Stone.

Now, I know that many of you are too young to remember Lyle Waggoner so let me provide some background on this gentleman. Lyle has some Geex cred because from 1975 to 1979 he played Steve Trevor on the live action Wonder Woman television show. He also worked on The Carol Burnett Show from 1967 to 1974. Carol, while I love her, is not so Geextastic, so I mentioned her last even though it looks odd from a timeline perspective. If any of you have OCD, I apologize for doing that.

Lyle was also a model and appeared in Playgirl magazine. In case you doubt this fact or were wondering what Lyle looked like... Let me save you the trouble of using your Google finger.

I could have gone with a higher resolution but is that what you really wanted?
This movie allows me to ask a question about 70s horror films.

The 70s was an interesting time. Many wonderful counter-culture films were unleashed on the mainstream public. The horror genre represents admirably. The Exorcist (73), Jaws (75), Halloween (78), Alien (79), Carrie (76), Dawn of the Dead (78), just to name a few.

The question I must ask is this... Should most 70s movie be classified as suckage just because everything looked terrible in the 70s?

I would ask this about 50s and 60s movies too, but things simply didn't look as ridiculous during those decades. Also, how many really scary movies came out of the 50s and 60s? A handful?

Back to the point... I guess we can say that film was just becoming sophisticated in the 70s. The new breed of film student was stepping forward and making movies. But then we had quite a few of the hold-outs that knew how to make low budget flicks for the least amount of money hoping to make a profit on the grindhouse and drive-in scene.

Maybe I'm just looking for a reason to poop on the 70s. It's one of my favorite things to do. It's so easy.

I suppose I should talk about the movie at some point. Really though, I find my jibbering slightly more interesting. I think, in the long run, so will you.

On with the show!



Love Me Deadly begins with Fred McSweeny (Timothy Scott) picking up a homosexual prostitute, taking him to his mortuary, and draining his blood.

Sure, the lead, whose name I probably should know, but don't, kisses a few corpses - but really they are out at the funeral homes for showing and that's not weird at all.

Right?

Love Me Deadly features some awkward pedophilic scenes. The main character has "flashbacks" to her childhood. Let's just say she was close to her father.

It's not graphic in the least but the camera lingers on the little girl's legs for an uncomfortable length of time.

The director, pick one, does try to juxtapose the image with the adult's legs, but it is a completely unnecessary transition.

At 31:51 in the movie I find out the lead character's name is Lindsay Finch. Good to know.

Midway thought the film Lindsay decides to drop her drug using, rapist boyfriend for Lyle Waggoner. At this point the movie begins to really go downhill. One terrible Peanut's inspired musical montage leads straight to an atrocious Roberta Flack inspired musical montage. This leads to another musical number but at least the montage abuse ends, however, another brief musical car chase leads to some psychedelic 70s weird out music.

It's official. This movie is short on horror and long on suck... and not the good kind one might expect from a necrophilia flick.

Lindsay just realized she's in Love Me Deadly.

Lyle just realized that Lindsay ain't interested in busting a move if you've got a pulse.

The damn Brady Bunch music is back!

Some of my favorite quotes are from this scene. Incidentally, this is their wedding night.

"Lindsay, WE ARE MARRIED! Look, I don't want to hurt you. You are my wife. I just want to make love to you."



In case you were wondering... Yes, after the bedroom scene, we are treated to another silly musical montage.

From what I can tell this movie concerns McSweeny trying to get Lindsay to loosen up and realize her nature, that she is a necrophile. Meanwhile, he kills prositutes. Lyle just wants to have sex with his wife.

With 26 minutes left in this sucker I am having difficulty not pressing stop and breaking the DVD in half.

I toughed it out and was treated to Lyle wearing a groovy ascot.


(SPOILERS)

For 1973 I suppose the ending is a bit... unsettling. Lindsay is riding cowgirl atop a corpse surrounded by some fellow necrophiliacs. This is the only time we get to see Lindsay naked, which is too bad, because based on a brief glimpse, her body could have helped this movie.

(END SPOILERS)


Would I recommend this movie: No. It never lives up to its potential. It is not a horror film, it is not a thriller, I really can't even say it is an exploitation flick. It fails at everything I would look for in a movie.



In "designing" the "banner" for Sucky Cinema Saturday I  used a picture from one of my favorite Sucky Movies.

The first person to email (chrisq @geexplosion.com) the name of the movie wins a prize!

What is the prize?

It's only fitting that I share the bounty of questionable cinema by sending the winner a DVD with SRS Cinema's Grindhouse Double Feature of The Risen and The Unknown.

Just email me the name of the movie based on the pic from the banner and tell me your name and where to send the DVD. Simple as that.I promise I won't sneak into your tomb and defile you.

Friday, January 17, 2014

It's not often that a gofundme.com project attracts the attention of Geexplosion.com. The swashbuckling nature of Kickstarter usually demands all the attention.

However, a request has gone out from Shannon Spruill for some funding so she might speak candidly about her personal dealings with Bi-Polar Disorder and a dispute she has with Dixie Carter's wrestling organization TNA.

Shannon began her career in 1999 as Daffney, a crazed, goth girlfriend/valet for David Flair in WCW. Her piercing scream and distinctive makeup became part of her trademark gimmick.

Shannon/Daffney was able to turn her looks and athletic ability into a career that lasted until TNA asked her to do some questionable spots. I won't go into details here - hopefully you will contribute to her cause and find out what happened

Per the gofundme.com site; in Shannon's own words:
In this video I explain the reasons why I'm recording an audiobook. The two main ones being to speak about my TNA workers' comp claim, and to speak openly and honestly about my fight - over the past decade- with bi-polar disorder.In turn, I'm kindly requesting funding to professionally record and release it. Maybe even do a printing.
The link to Shannon's gofundme site: www.gofundme.com/5m506g
The link to Shannon's website: http:// www.daffneyshouse.com/






Thursday, January 16, 2014

I was feeling a bit of the nostalgia today so I looked back through the Geexplosion archive for something to watch that was old, but not too old. My choice....

IN YOUR HOUSE 15: A COLD DAY IN HELL

IYH 15 took place on May 11, 1997 at the Richmond Coliseum in Richmond, Virginia. The attendance was 9,381 and the tagline stated "There's gonna be a whole lotta whoop-ass goin' on!"

1997 was about the time Stone Cold Steve Austin's character was taking off. Stone Cold and the Undertaker main event the show. I guess that's why the audience could expect a "whole lotta whoop-ass" and "a cold day in hell."

I don't remember watching this PPV when it initially aired.

I gave wrestling a pass for a few years, so this PPV should be a new experience for me.



I must admit, this first match confused me enough that I had to do a second of research to understand what was happening. Apparently, this first singles match between Rockabilly (aka Billy Gunn) and Jessee James (aka The Road Dogg) take's place on Free For All, which was a show that leads in to the PPV.

Pre-Match Thoughts:  I will admit to enjoying The New Age Outlaws. I thought they were a good heal tag team. However, Road Dogg and Billy Gunn suck as individuals. Neither have enough of the IT factor to work as singles. Also, when you can say that Billy Gunn is a better wrestler... At least Road Dogg can work the stick.

You have to wonder at the depth of talent in the WWF at this point. They added the Honky Tonk Man as Rockabilly's manager in a wasted effort to get the gimmick to work. The fact that these two are allowed to lead into the PPV s a mystery to me. I suspect this will be a short, terrible match.
Prediction: (* out of  *****)

The Match: The match starts out quick and within two minutes both wrestlers appear blown up. The match slows and Jesse James captures Rockabilly in an armlock. Rockabilly releases the hold to dance, which is apparently his gimmick as Rockabilly. Honky Tonk approves. It should be noted that Honky is carrying a loaded guitar as a weapon.

Out of nowhere Rockabilly hits a running DDT and before Lawler can work in his funny comment... the match is over. Rockabilly wins clean with a 3 count.

Post Match Thoughts: Yep. This match, according to Wikipedia, went 3:36. What was the point? No ring psychology, no chance for the characters to develop, the wrestling wasn't even good. If you like arm drags, then this was the match for you!

Honky didn't even bust the guitar over anyone's head! I would have much rather watched a 3 minute promo with Honky telling me how he was the best Intercontinental Champion that ever existed.
Conclusion: (* out of  *****)


The first official match features Hunter Hearst Helmsley with Chyna against Flash Funk without the Funkettes. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler remarked that the Funkettes did not show at the PPV because they were scared of Chyna. That works well within the storyline. The real reason the Funkettes did no appear? The WWF decided that they no longer wanted to pay for their services. Which of course makes you wonder... why bother paying Flash Funk either?

Pre-Match Thoughts: I had the opportunity to watch Flash Funk in ECW. I was reasonably impressed with his in ring ability. Flash was mostly interested in hitting high spots, but he was entertaining. Like so many others from ECW... when he went to the WWF they neutered his style and killed the entire reason they brought him over to begin with.

I have never liked Hunter Hearst Helmsley. I have never liked HHH. I respected him once for working through pain and finishing a match. As far as watching him perform.... No. So basically, when you are hoping Flash Funk takes the win.... Probably not the result the WWF was looking for.

I expect a few botched spots from Flash Funk and roughly 90% armdrags from Hunter. I also expect this match to be short.
Prediction: (** out of  *****)

The Match: Flash was able to hit a couple of his high flying moves. Hunter was so-so, but nothing that should have impressed the boys in the back. Hunter hit a pretty cool second rope suplex after foiling Flash's 450 finisher. I don't really have much to say about the match. It was short and unremarkable. After the match Chyna picked Flash up in a terrible looking vertical suplex. You could tell that Flash was having to do most of the work. She carried Flash to the ropes and crotched him on the top rope.


Post Match Thoughts:You gotta wonder... was this match about Flash Funk and Hunter or was the match about Chyna? The camera easily spent 50% of the match focusing on Chyna's scowling mug. Ross and Lawler sold Chyna like they were getting a dollar every time they mentioned her name.

This was a crap match up. The Blue Blood versus Flash Funk? Their styles do not work, in fact, they clash. The entire match I was just waiting for Chyna to get the chance to low blow Flash so the match could end.

Conclusion: (** out of  *****)


Match number three is another singles match. This time Mankind goes against Rocky Maivia.

Pre-Match Thoughts: I suspect this might be a good match. Mankind was willing and able to work a decent match and young Rocky had quite a few moves that evaporated the longer he wrestled.
Prediction: (*** out of  *****)

The Match: Mankind starts out sitting in the corner. When Rocky turns his back Mankind tries to ambush him. Rocky is aware of what's going on and immediately goes on the offensive. A dropkick by Rocky sends Mankind to the floor.

Mankind brings Rocky to the floor and situations reverse. Mankind dominates for a minute but Rocky counters with an Irish Whip followed by a powerslam. Rocky slows things down with a hammerlock. Mankind tries to go on the offensive.

Mankind hits a flipping senton from the apron to Rocky who is standing on the floor! Mankind squeals in Rocky's face. Mankind misses a running knee both go down. Rock sends Mankind to the floor and hits a Rock Bottom on the steel ramp. The sound of the impact is concerning.

Rocky takes Mankind back to the ring and works him over. Rocky tries a belly to belly and goes for the pin. Two count!

Rocky goes for an inside cradle - another two count!

Rocky has Mankind down - lifts him up for a shoulder breaker and then goes to the top rope for a flying cross body.

Mankind rolls with the cross body and applies the Mandible Claw on Rock. Rocky goes out and Mankind gets the win by submission.

Post Match Thoughts: Not great, but not bad. Definitely the best match so far. Most of the goodness came from Mankind's willingness to take crazy bumps.
Conclusion: (** 1/2 out of  *****)

Match number four is a Gauntlet match. Ahmed Johnson versus The Nation of Domination (Crush, Savio Vega, and Faarooq)

Pre-Match Thoughts: Out of all 4 wrestlers I would only hire Ron Simmons (Faarooq) if I were running a wrestling promotion. Ahmed Johnson, despite his look, never impressed me. He is a dangerous, terrible wrestler. Crush, eh. There's a hundred just like him. As far as Savio goes... I suppose he was supposed to be a decent wrestler in Puerto Rico. He should have stayed a big fish in a small pond because he never got over with the mainstream WWF crowd.

With all that said, I think this will be a terrible match. Simply put, Ahmed would have trouble working a mediocre match with the greatest of wrestlers. I suspect it will go all the way to Faarooq and then end with A DQ.
Prediction: (* out of  *****)


The Match:
(1) Johnson vs. Crush: Johnson hits a weird scissor kick that looks like it may have destroyed his leg. Crush hits a martial arts kick. Then Crush goes for a second rope flying clothesline. Apparently Crush isn't aware that he is like 6'6" and 320lbs. Crush remembers he is a monster and hits Johnson with a suplex and gets a two count. Johnson hits Crush with God only knows what... it looked like his finishing move the Pearl River Plunge but with extra head drop. Crush then... goes for a sleeper hold.

After what seems like an eternity, Crush goes for a heart punch. Johnson counters with... a spinning heel kick?! Johnson gets the 3 count.

(2) Johnson vs. Savio Vega: Vega is supposed to have a bad ankle. Guess what? He doesn't and he is able to trick Ahmed with a kick out of nowhere. Savio dominates the match until Johnson simply stops letting him work offense. Ahmed goes for a back suplex and gets a 2 count on Vega. Johnson then hits a powerslam and gets another 2 count. Savio rolls out of the ring before the Pearl River Plunge and Ross calls Savio "cagey." Vega hits Johnson with a chair and is disqualified.


(3) Johnson vs. Faarooq: Johnson gets a quick inside cradle but Farrooq powers out. Ahmed hits Faarooq with a spinebuster. Johnson then hits Faarooq with his finisher but Faarooq kicks out. Farrooq hits an inverted front powerslam and gets the pin.


Post Match Thoughts: Okay, somewhat better than I thought it would be but still barely worth talking about. I can't understand why they would let the Funkettes go and keep all of these Nation of Domination losers. There are 5 guys in suits with bow ties that have no intention of wrestling. Meanwhile, the matches were... eh. I was surprised by some of Ahmed's moves but it reminds me why he was considered so dangerous in the ring - he would pull off moves that he looked devastating because they were. He could not protect his opponent properly and had the tendency to hurt people

The DQ came during the second match.. which I kinda understand but not really.making Faarooq win clean buries Ahmed Johnson in my book.
Conclusion: (** out of  *****)

Nothing is more intimidating than a sweater vest.

No Holds Barred Ken Shamrock against Vader

Pre-Match Thoughts: I have always liked Vader. I just thought he had a cool look and his size definitely benefited the monster gimmick. Of course, I thought the same thing about Sid. At least Vader was a better wrestler than Sid. Unfortunately, Ken Shamrock sucks. I tolerated him in MMA because, well, he was pretty darn good for the time. When Shamrock entered the world of professional wrestling it was obvious that he was incapable of doing anything right. He was muscular, but short. He looked uncomfortable, could barely talk, and had no idea how to work a professional wrestling match. He had very little in ring ability and absolutely no ring psychology. So, my initial thoughts going into this match... It's not gonna be good.
Prediction: (* out of  *****)

The Match: This just looks so wrong. Shamrock sends some lowkicks into Vader's legs. This is standard MMA, but we don't need no stinking reality in professional wrasslin! Shamrock already looks winded. Yeah, Shamrock is constantly trying to go for holds and grabs against Vader and it just looks so out of place. Vader so far has been unable to offer any sort of offense.

Shamrock hits Vader with a painful looking belly to back suplex. Legit painful. Shamrock couldn't have protected Vader at all in that move. I will say that this is the most I've seen Vader move in any match - possibly all his matches combined.

Vader tosses Shamrock over the ropes to the floor and gets some offense. Ross points out that Vader is bleeding from the nose. Vader goes for an ankle lock but Ken reverses it. Vader immediately goes for a choke hold but Shamrock reverses that as well.

Vader calls for the Vaderbomb... Whoa, top rope! Vader skipped the Vaderbomb and tried a moonsault. Unfortunately, he missed. Shamrock turns things around and takes the offensive. Vader gets one last clothesline that looks like a shoot. Shamrock rolls Vader for another anklelock and gets a tap out.


Post Match Thoughts: You know, when I wrote my pre-match thoughts I had totally forgotten this match was No Holds Barred. What a waste. Vader can work certain gimmick matches but this is not one of his strong points. He is capable of dishing out punishment but he doesn't take punishment well.Again, another ridiculous match up. Vader is a monster. Why would you pit him against a technical wrestler (if that) like Shamrock? It doesn't make sense. I guess they were willing to sacrifice Vader to put Shamrock over... not that Shamrock needed to get over. Yes, Ken sucked at professional wrestling, but he was still incredibly popular at the time. I give this match an extra half star for Vader's ability to elevate the match slightly.
Conclusion: (* 1/2 out of  *****)

The Main Event pits The Undertaker (c) against Stone Cold Steve Austin for the WWF Championship.

Pre-Match Thoughts: This might be a decent match. Both men are capable of great ring work with the right opponent. I don't know how to call it. I think the Undertaker will retain the belt. In your House is low rent as far as PPVs go so I don't think he will drop the belt tonight.
Prediction: (*** out of  *****)


The Match: Taker doesn't get the chance to remove his jacket or the belt before Austin begins unloading punches. Taker comes back performs an Oldschool rope walk. The two go back and forth. Austin gets a headlock and holds it for a few minutes. However, this is why Austin and Taker are so highly thought of... the headlock works. Taker tries to get out and Austin attempts to maintain - the two are actually entertaining with a simple headlock.

As soon as they finish with the headlock - Austin goes high octane with a flurry of blows. Austin works Taker's knee over on the ringpost. Austin continues to work the Deadman's knee. Austin goes for an STF but Taker reaches the ropes.

Undertaker goes for a single leg Boston crab. Austin reaches the ropes but now Taker is working Austin's bad knee.

Austin gets a 2 count. Suplex to Taker and another 2 count! Back body drop to Austin and another Old School attempt but Stone Cold trips him and Taker crotches himself on the corner. Austin goes for a second rope suplex but Taker powers him away with what I would call a flapjack.

Taker goes for a sleeper hold but Austin counter with a jawbreaker that Lawler and Ross are calling a modified Stunner. The two exchange low blows. Austin flips off the Ref. After Austin is hit in the jewels the Ref flips him off and Taker hits a Choke Slam. Taker tries a Tombstone Piledriver but Stone Cold hits the Stunner.

Brian Pillman rings the bell for some reason. Taker goes for another Tombstone but Austin reverses it into a Tombstone. The two repeat this again but finally Taker hits the Piledriver and gets the 3 count.

Post Match Thoughts: A good match. Austin was much more than punch, kick, stunner, which is what he became once his neck and knee injuries started to really bother him. I enjoy the old fashioned type match where the heel isolates a body part and works it for the ultimate goal.

The Hart Foundation interfered and cost Steve Austin the match according to Ross. I am guessing that this helped establish the feud between Bret Hart and Stone Cold.

Conclusion: (*** out of  *****)


Final Thoughts: Not a good PPV. I don't really remember much about the In Your House series except that they seemed much cheaper than the other PPVs and made little sense in that they did not have a theme (or the theme was different every time). It killed some time and gave me an excuse to bitch and moan.